Do you want it to be easier? I did too!

Would it be easier
If I was conventional and stuck to the script?
Would it be easier
If I just listened to the voice of reason?
Would it be easier
If it were as simple as it is in my head?
Would it be easier
If I didn’t say everything that came to my mind?
Would it be easier
If I didn’t follow my heart blindly?
Would it?
Probably!
But it wouldn’t be the same.
I wouldn’t be me.
I wish it was easier.

This was written a few years ago when I was probably in battle with myself. At the time, I thought it was a strife between my head and my heart. I now realize it was a struggle for survival of my inner self vs the outer. How I was seen vs how I saw myself. How I was expected to be vs how I wanted to be.

I did everything I could to conform. Never to realize the compromise on the sense of self. The duality between professional prowess and personal paralysis became impossible to live with.

I have a had a lot of people tell me they feel the same. Much to my surprise, I was not alone in this. There is some weird comfort in shared discomfort.

I started to feel like “the chick inside the egg.” The chick that has a shield to save itself from harm. A hard cover protecting it’s frail self. An outer layer which appears radically different from what is inside. It probably struggles between the inner and the outer world too. The self protective instincts riddled with fear. It only tries to find a way out when it cannot stay inside anymore. When it gathers enough strength and courage to break through the façade and realize it’s true form of self. Fearless little thing!

Option two, it does not find the courage and stays inside throughout out it’s lifespan that ends in obscurity without ever seeing or being seen by anyone. It is a tough one but the choice is ours.

Our struggles are real. Unfortunately, no one else can see it but us. It is not easy to reach the point of breakaway and it’s not pretty. Needs tremendous courage and resolve. No one else can break it away for us either.

It took me a long time and a lot of help to reach that point. It didn’t happen overnight and it certainly was not easy. Once it did, it was impossible to box me again. Try putting the chick to back in it’s shell!! Hell yeah!!

@thethinkingcaptain